did you get engaged???
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
