just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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