The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
