this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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