Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
