He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
