all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
