Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
