remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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