im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
