it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
