i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Swine flu is the new snow day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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