ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
