sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
