The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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