Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
