I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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