i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
