you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
