i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
wow bdsm is so cute
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
