Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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