ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
