I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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