You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
