I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
