I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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