This is not my ceiling
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
