Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
