I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
