so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
