My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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