I'd wear matching sweaters with you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
