You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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