bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
