Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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