Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize