Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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