im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
