the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
