oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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