i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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