how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think my moral compass just broke
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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