Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
