I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
