I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
