So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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