Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
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