And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
smell my finger.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
