she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
