Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
